Petting Zoo Lady

For six years there has been a "Scarecrow Festival" each fall in our small town. Part of that weekend event has been a petting zoo for the children. My lovely wife has come to be known as the "Petting Zoo Lady." Every year for six years she has been there providing the ever popular hands-on attraction for young people of all ages and this year was no exception. They enjoyed exceptional weather this year and another great turnout. Cindy always gets lots of help from all of her friends and even though everyone is exhausted at the end of the day, seeing the joy on the faces of the youngsters and hearing their squeals of delight as they handle and pet the animals, brings her back again year after year. A few snapshots to share the day with you.

More Faith

The phony life is a life of trust in God, of faith. An intimate relationship with God, a reality, not make-believe. (But it is make-believe, that is why it is phony.) To the extent that I pretend I have faith in God, when I do not, that is phony.

The real me is cut off, alone, isolated, hopeless, undeserving, frail and simply put, just bad. I won't admit the reality that I am bad, it is too shameful. But living behind the phoniness is too desperate. No, that's not it. It's wrong. Wrong in the sense that it is a dead-end. It leads nowhere, no solution, no resolution. The despair I feel living in this kind of phoniness is that nothing will ever change. This is not one of those "fake it until you make it" things. This is a trap.

I suppose if I was resigned to my fate, I would not feel so restless, so uncomfortable. Something in my heart longs for integrity. It is ironic, and tragic, this longing is not enough to lead me to the authenticity and congruity I desire.

What do I want? I want God to be real. I want more faith.

Lord I believe, help my unbelief.

Forgetting

I've wanted to give another shot at trying to express a difficulty I perceive which manifests as procrastination. As I'm reflecting I realize that procrastination is not a simple thing. It can be the result of different kinds of dynamics at work, maybe not even all related.

I have explained how I am aware that I struggle to keep track of things. It is an effort to remember what it is I want to remember. Not just to remember the things I want to do, like my "To Do" list kind of things, but also the kind of things in general that I just think about. If I am not paying attention to what it is that I am paying attention to, I often loose tract of it and forget it. This happens even with the things that I am most interested in and that matter most to me.

What I have come to understand is that these things that I am thinking about that I want to keep tract of in my thinking will tend to come in and out of my acute conscious awareness in an apparently random haphazard fashion. Thoughts pop in, then pop out and I forget again. The more busy and hectic I tend to be the more in and out things seem to come and go. Ultimately I seem to always remember everything I want to, eventually. Just only when it happens to pop in, not when I need it to or when I want it to.

So here is the problem that leads to procrastination. Let me give a hypothetical. I have a day off. A chance to get a few things done. There are a lot of things popping in and out of my thinking. But I know that I can't remember everything that is there. Not on demand. As time passes though, then the things that I need to remember will surface over time. However, if I get involved in something that consumes my energy, time, attention and focus, then my chances of getting in touch with the things I want to think about goes way down. In fact, the more productive I become, the more involved in actually getting things done, the more I feel disoriented, detached, disconnected and anxious. I loose context, balance, the ground doesn't seem to be there. I become more and more likely to overlook or forget something important. I have to break off and get back in touch with what is going on in my head to get reoriented, reorganized, get my bearings.

So I experience a lot of resistance to getting things done because doing things distracts me from keeping tract of my scattered and disorganized thoughts. And loosing tract of my thoughts leads to negative consequences from forgetting important things and to anxiety from feelings of being lost and disoriented.

Me Two

I live two lives.
One is phony,
one is real.
One is exciting and uplifting,
the other is demeaning and shameful.
One is talk and fine words, but is hollow, empty, shallow, lacking power or force.
The other is secret and hidden and enslaves me with powerful chains I cannot break.
One is ephemeral, unreal, unreachable, wishful thinking, pie-in-the-sky, leaving me filled with desire, but with no hope.
The other is very real, familiar, safe, the "real me" in my true exposed ugliness, but it leaves me filled with loneliness and fear.
The fear of one is excitement.
The fear of the other is dread.
Mired in muck with no hope of anything changing, life is just putting in time, making due, trying to survive with the least amount of damage possible, lost in the "darkness of futility." All the hope and desire of the "other" life, the pretending and endless talk, it gnaws and aches, it is painful. I am weary of it.
One or the other, hot or cold.
Authenticity.
I am sick of this wasteland in the middle.
Where is the "light of victory?"
Lead me out.

Something's Bugging Me

I was invited to participate in a group at our church that will spend the next five years looking at the church's vision. The greater district has developed and piloted a process that they are now taking out to local churches like ours that want to focus on their vision. This is a program designed for healthy, mature congregations, that are seeking the growth that comes from knowing their true purpose, and then living it out effectively in their communities.

It looks like the 25 or so church leaders invited to make up our "Vision Team" represent a good cross section of nearly all the significant demographics of our church. The pastor of a nearby church who has been trained in this process will be the facilitator for us. This apparently is a "moonlighting" activity for him. We had an hour and a half orientation meeting this past Thursday, the first with everyone together, and got a good idea of what to expect.

The first two years will be involved in planning and the next three in implementing for a five-year cycle that can then repeat itself. In general I think this is a very good approach. Most ministry in churches is done without coordinated clear understanding of the mission/vision/purpose. I am excited at the prospect of what came be achieved in three years if it is activity focused by two years of seeking clear direction from agreement on vision and direction.

The process will involved individual work, small group work and delegated specialized committee work. And everything orbits around quarterly retreats that are thematic, designed to take the group through progressive steps that layer on foundations established in previous retreats and corresponding to the ongoing work as it unfolds. Like I said, it has been piloted, and seems to me to be well thought out. It looks like the right way to do things. I will throw my hat into the ring. It is a process, not the end. The result is what matters. The value is that it is a process that I think can help our church reach the result it wants. And that is the value it holds.

I do have one thing though I would like to get off of my chest. It's just me, and I will work it out as this goes on. But I did have some juice around this. So, for what it is worth. I thought that by the way this was presented, that it didn't seem very spiritual. Now, I know that I'm usually the one that is pushing for us in the church to be more professional, more technical and more artistic. I don't think that church should compromise quality in any secular areas due to being focused exclusively on spirituality, as if excellence and quality are values that are mutually exclusive from the sacred and spiritual. No, wholeness and truth demand balance, quality on both sides, we own it all. So here we are, being presented with this excellent, quality, professional program for vision/process, five-year plan, etc. etc. It was wonderful; I could have been sitting in a corporate boardroom hearing about the next great strategic plan. It was great. So what was the problem?

They were talking about church, and reading bible verses, it was all very obvious that we were in church and this was all about church. But I was uneasy. Why was I getting bugged? Then I realized. What I was hearing about was about church "culture". OK, I don't have anything against church culture. I feel safe and comfortable within it just as much as the next Christian. But you know what? A lot of the world out there doesn't like church culture. And you know what else? I don't like defending it to them. And I certainly don't like the idea of exporting it. I will vigorously oppose any idea that what we are about is exporting our quaint comfortable church culture. Again I say there is nothing wrong with our church culture. It's just that it isn't the big IT, OK? Let's not get that confused. Sometimes I think some of us do.

There were a couple times when this really hit me. Once was when the leader read the description of the first church given in the early chapters of Acts. The numbers added to their group increased daily. They were growing rapidly. Their church was attractive, popular; the focus of considerable attention. Our group leader equated this growth with the social qualities of this early church, fellowship, sharing, daily praise and worship, gathering together and then remarked, "Who wouldn't want to be a member of a church like this?"

I thought, "Wait a minute, something is missing here, he is looking at the early church through his rose-colored church-culture glasses." I'm thinking a better question to ask is why would anyone want to join a church like this? Ananias and Sapphira showed us that if you lied in this first century church you could be struck down dead on the spot. What would our church membership look like if it had that kind of accountability? Another member of this church, Stephen, didn't hold back anything. He told the whole truth when he was brought before the leaders of Israel for questioning, then he was executed for it. So let's get this straight, people in this church who stretch the truth are struck down dead. Pretty harsh. And people who are brutally honest are killed for it. Cold. Seems like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't in this church.

So what was the real reason people flocked to join up by the thousands? See my post at dr. david - "My Essay" September 1, 2001 where I go into it more. But basically it boiled down to the fact of death. The people of that time were convinced that the members of this new church had power over death. They had seen it with their own eyes. People that were dead were now walking around, living, alive, walking and talking. Literally. And these people were now giving this power away; offering eternal life to any who would come.

So I ask you, what are we offering, membership in a cool social club? Or the power to walk away from the grave? It's a big question. It maybe is the only question.

The second thing that hit me was when the leader stated, "All churches inevitably experience conflict." He then had us break out into smaller groups to answer three questions: Why do churches experience conflict? What is the downside of conflict in churches? What might be beneficial from conflict in churches? The discussion and conclusions were telling. To summarize: Churches experience conflict because people are sinful, because they come from different backgrounds (and other social reasons). The downside is that people might leave the church and walls might go up, relationships would be hurt. The benefits would be that conflict could bring growth.

These responses are fine for any social/political group of people anywhere. No problem with that, as far as it goes. But like I said at the beginning, what about the spiritual? What makes us any different than any other human organization? Are we any different? That early church was. They brought dead people back to life. Pretty different. So what am I thinking? A spiritual church that comes under conflict is operating in a different way. Ben Patterson, pastor and author said something I will always remember. When we chose to place our faith and trust in Jesus Christ "...we chose sides." There is spiritual battle going on, a great unseen war, enormous, epic in scope. And we play a part. There is no neutral, no sidelines, no spiritual "Switzerland." A church in conflict is a church locked in a spiritual battle.

Why do churches experience conflict? You could say it is inevitable. Churches are at war spiritually. You would expect that as the church becomes more effective, the spiritual opposition would become more intense. What would be the downside of this kind of spiritual conflict? The worst consequence would be to not see it for what it is. To attribute all conflict to natural sources only. Then attempt to deal with problems only at the human level. This would limit the effectiveness of the church to only what any other simple human organization could accomplish. The church would effectively relinquish its power. This, I think, is what most modern cultural churches have done. So much for bringing dead people back to life.

What would be the benefit of spiritual conflict? It would necessitate an authentic, continuous, dependent relationship on God. It would require an agenda, a mission, a vision, a purpose that was not ours, but His. It would propel us into service for Him, with Him, in a great plan laid out by Him from before time. They said conflict brings growth? I say, spiritual conflict drives us to God, and then, we can become who we were always meant to be.

So I have high hopes, and I dream big. I think the process they have prepared for our church is probably a good one. I believe in people. Especially people that have given their lives over to God. We all want the same thing. God's plan. It's all about Him. I'd like to make sure that we keep our eye on the ball. And something else Patterson said. God made us for the ocean, and He has it out there just waiting for us. But we've settled for the mud puddle. And now too many of us think that the puddle is all there is, and worse, that it is enough. How tragic.

I can hear the waves crashing, can you? The ocean is so close by. Our God offers us His world, a life of adventure and purpose lived out with Him in endless and unfathomable possibilities. I can smell the sea-salt in the air, and I long for it. You might say, "Our mud puddles may be wretched, horrid and miserable places to stay, but at least we know what to expect and we have some degree of control over things." And I guess you might be right. But I'm really tired of the mud. We were made for more than this. I just know it. Lazarus walked out of his grave. Can you imagine? Can you imagine? Help me find the ocean. Will you? Come, help me find the ocean.

Nuf for now. My chest feels much lighter.

Re: family photos

Taking photos of animals in general is always difficult. They never cooperate. You generally have to take lots of pictures to serendipitously get the great ones. This is not a great one, but one of my family shots to add to your offering. Thanks.

See post at dr. wengel's family photos

First Day

Cindy and I met each other on our first day of medical school. On that day we could not know that we were destined to become life partners and soul-mates. But that is what happened. We have since lived our lives together and shared our profession. We learned the science and the art of medicine together and started a practice together. And over the years we have lovingly nurtured, and built, and labored, and struggled to bring about an effective, sustainable, compassionate medical practice unrivaled in quality, service and care. And we have done so as partners, as equals, together. It has been a wonderful journey, and it continues.

Two days ago we reached a new milestone. After fifteen years of practicing alone as a couple we added a new partner. There are now three of us. This is really good. The practice is thriving. We have built a new clinic facility with more space. We are affiliated with a local physician network with access to its resources. We are growing, adding new patients, starting new clinics in neighboring towns. We are in the middle years of our professional lives. Our new partner has just finished her training. As we near our retirement years she will be approaching the age we are now. It is a good overlap. She represents a new generation, a younger practice, fresh approaches, new ways of doing things, just lots of good stuff.

We are very excited. These are the kind of things in life that just don't happen very often and I think they are to be savored somewhat. You know? Just to take a little pause, make note. These are the moments in your life that you will always look back on and remember. Or at least try to remember. On Dr. Alyson's first day I told her I was trying to remember the details of my first day in private practice. I could remember some things well. Like moving into my coat closet cubicle of an office, arranging my very own stapler and paper clip holder, and deciding which side of the desk the phone would go on. But I can't remember anything at all about the first patient I saw. And I really wish I could. Isn't that funny? I remember the paper clips but not the patient. It bugs me.

Maybe she will always remember the first patient she saw? There was nothing special about it, except that it was the first. Everything that she has ever done in her life up to this point has brought her to this moment. This moment in time in this place with this patient. All the years of school, all the long hours, all the sacrifice, all the waiting, everything endured and suffered comes to this. It means everything. It doesn't seem like it though. It comes, it goes. Routine. Forgotten. The first of tens of thousands like it to come. I hope she never forgets. It doesn't seem like it, but it's everything.

Thank you Alyson for choosing to join with us. We count it a privilege to serve our patients with you alongside of us. The future is exciting. Can't wait.

Jubilee and dr. wengel

I started out adding a comment to your post of THURSDAY, AUGUST 31, 2006 @ 7:22 PM when I decided I wanted to post an old picture I had of the two of you together. Your post is so poignant, so articulate, that I fear if I say too much I risk detracting from its impact. I was profoundly moved and I thank you for sharing the depth of your feeling and your keen insight.

You have captured and expressed foundational human experiences relating to love and loss, nurturing and growing that in this life, on this earth, is lived out in the context of generational separation. The both wonderful and tragic at the same time truth that the most important and most meaningful people in our lives are born and die and live at times that are staggered throughout our lives. Our lives overlap with the lives of others. When a new life layers onto ours there is an addition, an effect. And sometimes great joy and great richness occurs. But when that layer ends, it is missed, there is loss, sometimes it is immeasurable.

Your parents are a generation layer ahead of you. You are their child to them. Your future children are a generation layer behind you. They have yet to be born. Yet you eagerly anticipate their coming relationships with you. You understand the powerful impact these future relationships will have in your life. You know how much you have to give, how much is in you to give. When the time is right, you will be ready. And Jubilee, whether she will be present in the flesh or only in your heart, will have played no small part in bringing you to that moment, in making you who you uniquely are. And that I guess is how it works in this life.

New Look

I have been enjoying this new past time, hobby, adventure, whatever it might be called. Blogging. I find myself thinking about what I might write during the day, preoccupied. Today I fiddled around and took a blog template design I liked and customized it. I learned a lot about how they put these things together. It's a whole new different language. I still have a lot to learn. I'm going to have to spread around my blog address so more people know that I'm here. I already have about three people checking me out regular. This has been a lot of fun.

My son and his fiance are home over the week end. It's always great having them around. I'm looking forward to more time Sunday and Monday together.

My Essay

I have been asked by someone in my church to contribute an essay on the subject "the resurrection and the life" that will be compiled into a collection of daily readings, each day relating to a different subject and written by a different person, that will be distributed for use in the coming Advent season. I have never done such a thing before, but my wife Cindy is aware of my recent increased interest in writing and so she volunteered me. I must think of something to volunteer her for in order to return the favor. I include a copy of the result:

"Martha said to Jesus, 'Lord, if you had been here, my brother (Lazarus) would not have died. But even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask.'
Jesus told her, 'Your brother will rise again.'
'Yes,' Martha said, 'when everyone else rises, on resurrection day.'
Jesus told her, 'I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die like everyone else, will live again. They are given eternal life for believing in me and will never perish. Do you believe this, Martha?'
'Yes, Lord,' she told him. 'I have always believed you are the Messiah, the Son of God, the one who has come into the world from God.'" John 11:21-27 (NLT)

I have been a practicing physician for 26 years, and as you might imagine, my collective experience has afforded me the opportunity to make some observations regarding dying and death. If anything can be said at all, to my mind, one thing seems certain. Death is irreversible, permanent and final. There is no reanimation, no cryogenesis, and no resurrection, no coming back. The corpse always decays. It's over, done, finished, and final, you're gone.

Pretty grim, isn't it? But that's the world we live in; reality sucks. That's the world Martha and Jesus lived in too. And Jesus' friend Lazarus, Martha's brother, was dead and buried, for four days no less. I mean, there was no question about it. Even if someone had made a mistake and there had been some life in him when they put him in the tomb, he was four days without food and water, suffocating in a burial head wrap. No way he was alive. He was toast, and everyone knew it.

Now, Martha must be one of those weird religious fanatical types, right? I mean, she believes that Jesus is the Son of God. That he came into the world from God. That the world is going to come to an end some day and then all the dead people will come back to life. Yeah, OK, pretty strange stuff, kinda out there. But what about what Jesus says?

"Your brother will rise again." Wow, that's really strange. How did he mean it? Like, metaphorically? He must of, because otherwise, come on; he would be certifiable, right? Even the radical Martha sounds like she was trying to soften it some too, by putting it off. What about how he said it? Can you imagine it? Imagine how you would say it if you could actually make it happen and you intended to make it happen? Give it a try. Say it like you would tell a two year old "You will take a nap now." "Your brother will rise again." How does it sound? Can you hear it in your head?

Remember now, he could actually do it, because, he did actually do it. Yeah, really. It was his greatest miracle. It was very public. Everyone saw him do it. An absolutely, undeniably, dead-as-a-doornail man, Lazarus, stepped out of his grave and walked away. It blew everyone away. How did it happen? Jesus commanded it to happen. Jesus wanted it to happen. In the end it happened because Jesus could make it happen. People had to be wondering, "Who is this Jesus? Is there no limit to his power?"

The news of what happened spread everywhere. Jesus received a hero's welcome when he arrived in Jerusalem because of it. The leaders of Israel were afraid that the whole world would follow him and make him their leader because of it. They were terrified of his growing political power. This was his last public miracle before they executed him.

But when word got out that he rose from the dead, and evidence mounted that it was true, people flocked to his cause by the thousands, because they knew about Lazarus. They knew Jesus had power over death and the grave. He could make a dead person come back to life. Everyone saw him do it.

So what's going on here, what's the trick? How does he do it? There's really no mystery. He told Martha, he said it himself. "I am the resurrection and the life." That's it. Pretty straight forward really. It is who he is. Martha must not be so weird or strange after all. He really did come into the world from God. He really must be the Son of God. It isn't about what he does; it's about who he is.

As a practicing physician I have never seen death mean anything except the end of life. Jesus asked Martha a question. "Those who believe in me, even though they die like everyone else, will live again. They are given eternal life for believing in me and will never perish. Do you believe this, Martha?" I would like a chance to answer the same question. "Do you believe this, David?" I answer, "Yes. I believe. I choose life."

I wonder, how do you answer? If you chose life too, then you are choosing him, because he is life. It is who he is. It is what he said, "I am the resurrection and the life." Pretty strange. Pretty amazing. Pretty cool. Reality doesn't suck after all.